I accidentally burped into my bong.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
