just tell him i said nine months
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
