You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.