I'm sorry my penis didn't work
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!