The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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