8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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