I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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