were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
