im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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