I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
her facebook's as public as her vagina
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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