There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
