What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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