i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
