so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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