One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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