he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
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Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
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For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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