You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
