I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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