I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
time to smoke my breakfast
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
