what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
