pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
