I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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