By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
