I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
