If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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