Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
