He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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