Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize