I bet he comes in French.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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