Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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