i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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