Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
