Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
