I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
