Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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