At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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