I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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