he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Is Oprah even human
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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