would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
