I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
