I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
