I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
