There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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