I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
