Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
