You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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