Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
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I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
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Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?