I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."