I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
