is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
