I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
