did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
