seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
