I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
