You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
