Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
