whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
