you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
