I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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