took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
