The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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