Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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