i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize
